In the month or so since my mathematical studies have more or less taken a breather, partially by my choice in connection with the return of my wife from extended grandmotherly visits to the kids in Maryland and New York, I fell out of the habit of daily blog posts, mainly because I also found my psyche and my daily experiences working their way back to “normalcy,” the routine to which I am accustomed, at the experiential level as well as the spiritual and visceral level.
There are still traces of the “inspiration episode” – my near-enlightenment or pseudo-enlightenment or maybe improbably enlightenment experience – but it is in little things, little signs. There is one really notable change: during and since the infusion of inspiration in my life, seated zazen does an absolutely astonishing job of time dilation. I want to test it further, in fact, to make sure my zazen timer (on my phone) is not malfunctioning. Six minutes feels like well over sixteen. Mind you, I am really out of practice and not regular at all in my sitting… yet. That is about to change.
Why it will change soon is that I have another two-month period, starting now, where my wife will be away and I will have as much solitude in our mountain river chalet as I can stand, with the exception of 2 dogs and 5 cats for company. Wendy has said sadly that I do better when she is away – my housekeeping skills and energies also got a boost, not just my math studies – but I’ve insisted that’s not so; or, rather, even if it is so, I still love life with her much more than life by myself with just the pets. It’s truth. I can, in some ways, do more with solitude, and I have often wished I could have a more or less monastic life, and so I take advantage of the need for her to be away with the grandkids. But our life together is so good, and it is our best life. “My” best life, in my heart of hearts, must play second fiddle to that. It’s a commitment to our love and marriage, it is deliberate, but it is also how I feel most deeply and purposefully. I won’t let my meditation practice, my math studies, or any inspiration infusion mess that up. Commitment. I’m committed. (Or I should be, LOL) Committed to a wonderful wife, the love of my life.
I will resume intense mathematical study soon. Expect more frequent updates again, now that I’m Home Alone, as it were, again.